


I Just Had to Let You Know, I Never Meant to Hurt You Though

by scrapnotez



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, Idiots in Love, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, angsty shit cause i like suffering, i guess??, lol, lonely fuckers, nobetawedielikewwx, theyre in love lol
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-24
Updated: 2020-12-08
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:48:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27693670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scrapnotez/pseuds/scrapnotez
Summary: It’s as if they forget everything, the day, the time. They jump as they hear the first round of fireworks go off. Wooyoung pulls his phone out and looks at the time. 11:59 P.M.“Ah. Here they are. La final.”Wooyoung’s eyes drift from the bright red fireworks to San’s eyes and they’re big and glowing. He doesn’t know how but his mouth is agape and his eyes let tears run freely.12:00 A.M.“Happy New Years Wooyoung.”*Wooyoung and San are lonely. Wooyoung’s depressed. San’s a loner. Both are cool in reality and they fall in love.
Relationships: Choi San/Jung Wooyoung
Comments: 2
Kudos: 10





	1. The Sounds of Records Play

**Author's Note:**

> TWs for suicidal thoughts, self harm, mentions of suicides
> 
> vibey songs i listened to while writing this:  
> antiriver-jiwoo
> 
> monday-lifeofhojj
> 
> and where the title came from: 
> 
> you get me so high-the neighborhood

Wooyoung wouldn’t say he had insomnia but god could he not fall asleep . Nine times out of ten, he’d be in bed and realize soon enough, “Fuck it’s five?” Being a college student, he couldn’t argue that it was a pro and con. Pro, he could cram in whatever he procrastinated on doing. Con, 

  
  


he can’t fucking sleep?

  
  


He could be laying in bed with his eyes closed and then he’d slowly start thinking about everything that went wrong in his life and what he could’ve done instead and how the Earth is literally floating in a middle of a fucking solar system that’s only a speck in the galaxy which is barely _anything_ in the entire universe. Oh the nights he’s spent just thinking about his existence.

  
  


It’s the day before New Year’s eve. Wooyoung didn’t fancy any of the gatherings or parties around campus since he wouldn’t say he’s the biggest social butterfly he’s ever seen. Spending time with more than two people is three people too much. He stares at the ceiling as he continues to think and think about different situations and how they would turn out, like a story game with different endings or timelines that you could play through and play over and over again ‘till you did everything.

  
  


There’s a knock on the door of the dormitory and Wooyoung gets up from his position of procrastination in his bed. He cracks the door slightly open to see Mr. Old Man Park Seonghwa dressed in winter-esque pajamas that had funky designs of cats dressed as Santa on them. 

  
  


“It’s cold.” Seonghwa says.

“Oh no I definitely couldn’t feel it.”

“Brat.”

“As you know- that’s the look I’m going for.” Wooyoung smirked, closing the door and jumping onto his bed before shooting the elder a look. “Why y’a here.” Seonghwa shrugs. “Why do you think I’m here.” Wooyoung eyes him up and down, seeing the big pillow encased in his arms.

“Oh.”

“Oh fucking indeed! Guess who got kicked out by their roomie again for the third time in two damn weeks! What’s up with him recently?” Seonghwa huffs jumping onto the bed and hugging his pillow tightly with a frown. 

“I’m sure Hongjoong hyung loves you. He gets a bit sensitive when he’s working. Don’t overthink it.” Wooyoung hums. _Fucking hypocrite what the fuck?_ He thinks in his head, a defeated grin tugging at his lips. _Don’t overthink. Don’t overthink._ He focuses on the pen on his desk instead. 

Seonghwa turns to his side and faces Wooyoung who gazes down at him. “Hm?” the younger questions. The older sighs, a slightly mad pout from his lips and a slightly scrunched nose, kicking his legs around. “I hate him.”

“No you don’t.”

“Well- I hate him right now.”

“Tomorrow you’ll love him again.”

Seonghwa groans. “Tou-fucking-ché.” 

  
  
  


Wooyoung sighs. “You’ll be fine. Maybe just a bit emotionally damaged. But fine.”

“Hey!” Seonghwa complains. 

“Jokes jokes.” Wooyoung takes a look at the digital clock on his desk. “It’s one in the morning. I think it’s time to close shop.”

  
  


Wooyoung pushes himself up from the bed to reach the night lamp, clicking the switch before falling back down, shimmying around to get comfortable. It’s silent and all he can hear is both their breathing. The younger feels a cold hand grab onto his own, jumping a bit from the sudden contact. He relaxes and holds Seonghwa’s hand gently. 

“It’s almost 2019. 2018 is over in another twenty-four hours.”

“Yeah.”

“Up for a New Years Party?”

Wooyoung spaces out for a bit, playing with Seonghwa’s fingers. His eyes close and he settles down.

  
  
  


“You know. Why not?”

  
  
  


*

  
  
  


A thump wakes Wooyoung up from his slumber and it doesn’t really hit him that he slept well and long last night. Maybe the universe finally realized that he needed a good night’s sleep especially before the year ended. 

After he finished thinking, he groans, rubbing the back of his head and turning to see where he bumped into. Seonghwa tossed himself around at Wooyoung. _Gosh what a nightmare_.

He rubs his eyes and looks outside the window only to see darkness. The younger realizes maybe he hasn’t slept _long_ but it’s something at least. Wooyoung looks back and sees the blanket almost completely kicked to the ground and he pulls it back up over the older. Seonghwa squints, stretching his arms and lifting his upper body to peer at Wooyoung. 

“Dude ‘s fucking like four in the morning why are you up-“ 

“Yeah no I’m not a moron. I would go back to sleep if I could hyung. Now close your eyes and shut up doofus.”

If it was possible, Wooyoung wishes he could leave everything behind and start over. Or maybe live a different life, one where there was a riddance of self loathing and the hyperactive activity inside of Wooyoung's brain that never ceased to calm their action. 

  
  
  
  
  


*

  
  


Before he knew it, his master procrastinator skills got the useless hours to pass before the normal human being, Seonghwa, awoke from bed at a _normal_ time. 

  
  


Seonghwa seems to have made himself at home since he’s in the tiny kitchen pouring milk and cereal for himself. “Want any?” he asks, looking behind his shoulder. Wooyoung shakes his head with his mouth pressed into a thin line, continuing to look through his phone. 

“Hyung don’t you think it’s weird? Like, phones are designed to be addictive right? But the media portrays it like they don’t give into this addicting culture and instead write about how it’s damaging the generation. But then you realize the news place is owned by like, a fucking big tech conglomerate or something.”

“Um yeah. That’s a bit contradicting.” 

“Sorry. So um where and when is the party?”

Seonghwa swallows his bite. 

“At the river at uh I think it said like it was starting at 7:30 P.M. of something but you can go whenever.”

Wooyoung nods. His head is already off to imagine what the gathering would be like, the potential good and bad happenings that exist at big parties. _So either I socialize or stare at the river for the entire duration of the party. And one sounds particularly better than the other. Staring at the river until my eyes bleed and the river starts turning into acid trip colours._

He could feel the growing sound of his heart pounding deep inside of him and his hands are already cold and sweaty. Wooyoung swallowed his own spit and bounced a leg up and down. He mumbled, psyching himself up in his head. 

  
  


“Hey hyung- maybe I won’t go. There’s never much to do anyways and I just...“

Seonghwa ran over to the younger, crouching down and looking into his eyes. Wooyoung was at a loss for words once he stared into the elder’s eyes. Seonghwa held the younger’s hands gently, a comforting grasp on them.

“I can’t promise I’ll be with you for the entire time while we’re there but you know you can always call when you need me. Hongjoong you can always call too. We’re always here.”

Wooyoung laughed awkwardly, looking away and licking his dry lips. 

“Sorry I’m such a fucking idiot.” he mumbles. 

The older hugs him and Wooyoung hesitantly hugs him back.

  
  


*

Two _hours until it’s 2019._

Wooyoung’s surrounded by people, crowded, and almost obnoxious how people are acting. _What’s so fucking great about a new year._

Seonghwa and Hongjoong are being lovey dovey now and Wooyoung scoffed. There wasn’t any way that the oldest would stay mad at him. Wooyoung doubts he was even actually mad last night. 

The lovebirds set up the picnic-like blanket on the field, and Wooyoung volunteered to get food for them since he felt like, _was_ the third wheel. Wooyoung enters the tent with different lunch box esque foods, drinks off to the side. He takes a look at everything and laughs. Only the beer is low on inventory. _Laugh my ass off._

As he walks back to the picnic area, Wooyoung observes the different people covering the park. Some seem like they’re violently sobbing while others are drunk off their asses, singing loudly into the cold winter air. _Good for them._

“Here’s your food. I’m gonna take a walk.”

“You sure?” Seonghwa asks, looking up at him. 

“Yeah. Wouldn’t wanna be bothering you two would I?” Wooyoung laughs, turning around and waving at them as he walks away.

Wooyoung walks far, as the sounds from before seem to fade away. The bright lights from before are shining but now they’re significantly smaller. Soon enough, he sees the edge of the water, sealed off by a railing. On the opposite of the river is the rest of the city, shining brightly like always. 

Wooyoung takes his hands out of his pockets. He walks up to the railing resting his elbows on them as he leans forward. He can feel the wind from the river and it’s freezing. It’s too much. Too much to think about. But now, all he focuses on are the small bumps, the movement of the water, small sparkles that shine when they’re hit in the right angle. 

His head falls into his hands slowly, and those god forbidden tears slipping out of his eyes. He looked up again from his hands.

_Why am I still alive?_

Wooyoung curls up into his own arms as he takes in the cold air and the sounds of the water. He stops thinking, only his senses taking control.

“You okay?” he hears.

“No. Never. Does it seem like it? Fucking demon.” Wooyoung says. _You’re going nuts Wooyoung. You’ve finally lost it._

“Hey uh I’m not a demon..!” he hears and feels a tap on his shoulder. Wooyoung hesitates and looks up slightly, seeing a boy standing there. He seems like an angel instead and Wooyoung looks away. 

“Why’re you crying?”

“I wish I knew.”

“Are you excited for the new year?”

“No.”

“Why?”

“Cause it’s another year gone by without me dropping dead.”

It’s quiet and Wooyoung looks back at the man who looks into the distance, far _far_ from where they stand. The stranger’s wearing the college varsity jacket over a big hoodie that he had over his head, strings pulled and tied. 

The stranger sighs loudly, a hot puff of air leaving his mouth, easily seen in the cold winter weather. He smiles, with a sad look in his eyes, looking back at Wooyoung.

“I hope you don’t feel that way anymore.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“San.”

“Oh I’m … Wooyoung.”

They walked quietly in the park beside each other, both shivering and cold from the wind. Before they knew it, there’s an empty swing set and Wooyoung took note of it. He sits down and San follows, sitting beside him. 

Wooyoung solemnly pushes himself back and forth with his right leg, the other leg extended fully.

“So.. why're you alone?” Wooyoung asks.

“Well. Not alone right now am I?”

Wooyoung scoffs. 

“No kidding.”

“I’m alone cause people don’t like me.”

Wooyoung stops swinging, a jolt in his body. His eyebrows furrow as he turns around. San smiles weakly, picking at his nails. His cuticles were all bloody and torn.

“No one’s ever liked me.” San says, pushing himself back and swinging forward. His smile’s beaming Wooyoung hates it. He hates how someone who’s infinitely better than him is suffering. 

“Ridiculous.”

“No not really. I guess everyone has their reasons. It’s not my business.” 

It’s as if they forget everything, the day, the time. They jump as they hear the first round of fireworks go off. Wooyoung pulls his phone out and looks at the time. _11:59 P.M._

“Ah. Here they are. La final.”

Wooyoung’s eyes drift from the bright red fireworks to San’s eyes and they’re big and glowing. He doesn’t know how but his mouth is agape and his eyes let tears run freely. 

  
  
  
  
  


_12:00 A.M._

  
  
  
  
  


“Happy New Years Wooyoung.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


*

  
  
  
  
  


San lays on Wooyoung’s bed as Wooyoung continues to write up a paper. It’s a day after the last day of 2018 and they’re hungover, maybe a bit delirious. San sits up to pull off his hoodie, a white t-shirt underneath as he throws it to the ground and Wooyoung watches him, raising his eyebrows.

“Surprised that no one wants a piece of that.” Wooyoung says.

“Hey! What were you looking at…” San mumbles. 

Wooyoung pauses and slams his laptop shut. He gets out of his chair and jumps onto his bed, facing San.

“What do you do?” Wooyoung asks. San ponders.

“Doing fashion right now. How about you..?”

“Doing dance.”

Wooyoung lays back and stares at the ceiling before turning back around to face the other.

“Do you know Hongjoong hyung then?”

San nods. “Yeah. I have classes or whatever you call them with him. He’s so cool. Unlike me.”

Wooyoung shakes his head, grabbing San’s face and squishing his cheeks, making him groan. “You’re already cool. You just need confidence to dress up or somethin’. Everyone would go crazy for you.” 

“Really?” he pauses. 

  
  
  
  


“Then why aren’t you crazy about me yet?” San giggles, hugging the other closer, looking straight into his eyes.

They stare for a bit longer, smiles disappearing, replaced with something more. Their lips touch, and Wooyoung’s fingers slip into San’s hair, grasping it gently. The other, now atop of him, runs his left hand down the side of Wooyoung’s body and tastes him more, exploring him even deeper. 

“Holy fuck.” Wooyoung gasps.

“Indeed.”

  
  
  
  
  
  


“Okay so like turns out he’s cool and hot as fuck.” Wooyoung rambles, watching Hongjoong scribble designs into his course sketchbook. 

“Oh so _that’s_ what happened when you ditched us?”

“... Yes.”

Hongjoong laughs. “So. You like him is what you’re trying to say.”

“No. He’s just cool. Unlike you two.”

Seonghwa sticks his tongue out at Wooyoung and hugs Hongjoong, looking over his shoulder to see the workings of Kim Hongjoong’s brain. Wooyoung continues to look outside the window of the studio, watching others walk around campus. He rests his chin in the palm of his hands.

Wooyoung looks down at his phone before he hears a knock on the window, looking up to see San grinning and waving at him. “Speak of the devil.”

San runs inside to the studio, eyes practically shining at Hongjoong. “Hyung I think he’s a fan of you.” Wooyoung says, shoving San towards the older. Seonghwa let’s go of him and Hongjoong gives San a fist bump. “I’ve seen your stuff. It's pretty damn cool if I do say so myself. Welcome to the club.” Hongjoong says.

San sits down next to Wooyoung and looks away, screaming silently. “Holy fuck Wooyoung he’s so cool oh my god.” Wooyoung crosses his arms and nods. “Yeah whatever. He’s cool I guess.”

“Ugh Wooyoung stop being sad that your crush doesn’t think you’re cool.” Seonghwa teases and Wooyoung flips him off, kicking him in the leg.

“Ouchies.”

Wooyoung stands up and pulls San along with him, grabbing his bag. “See you later asshats.”

They’re walking outside on the fields and San’s pouting. “Senior Hongjoong…” he mumbles.

“You have all the time in the world to talk to him later.”

San grabs Wooyoung’s hand and intertwines their fingers, giggling at the other. “So… what was that about. Me being your crush?” he says and Wooyoung pushes his hand away, walking faster.

“Platonic crush thanks. Love doesn’t exist.”

San catches up, putting his hands in his own pockets. “Who said it doesn’t? I think it’s your own perception of it.” Wooyoung stops in his tracks, turning around to face San.

“Then I suppose it doesn’t exist for me then,” he says. “I’m leaving. Go back and talk to them if you want.”

Wooyoung feels so stupid, so annoying. _How can someone love me. Fucking ridiculous._ It’s that uncomfortable feeling again, in his body, running through his fingers. It’s how his body instinctively pushes people away, how he isolates himself from people, the feeling of not belonging anywhere. 

Even when he wants to enjoy someone’s company, enjoy their time spent with him, all he feels like is a waste of space.

Wooyoung runs back to his dorm, unlocking the door and slamming it shut. He leans on it and slowly slides down with his back against the door, his head buried in his knees. It’s so quiet and his thoughts are there again. They’re always there. _Help. Please._

**_Wooyoungan_ **

_hey i’m sorry i didn’t mean to be mean_

  
  


**_sannies_ **

_it’s fine i’m not mad :^) dw_

  
  


**_Wooyoungan_ **

_i’m sorry._

  
  


**_sannies_ **

_are you okay ?_

  
  
  
  
  


_No. I’m not._

It’s so stupid how Wooyoung relies on a fucking blade to make him feel better. Healthy coping mechanisms seemed like a social construct and Wooyoung didn’t give a single fuck anymore. Everything will disappear one day and he’s determined to do it before the universe. But not now. It’s not the right time and until then, he’ll continue to slide the ridges of the blade between his fingers. He’ll continue to paint angry marks over his arm of different depths and shapes. 

The marks will heal into different colors and they’ll turn into the acid trip colors that Wooyoung sees from time to time once he’s thinking too much and at his limit. “I’m sorry.” he whispers.

Wooyoung gets knocked forward with a push of the door and he falls over, laying on the ground and looking at the person in front of him. He chuckles. “You’re blue San-ah.” and San drops to the ground, picking Wooyoung up. 

“Wooyoung...you’re-“

“Yeah. I think I can see.” Wooyoung says, smiling as if he was floating. He lifts up his arm and let’s the blood trickle down. San looks like he’s gonna cry and Wooyoung closes his eyes.

“Idiot. I’m fucking alive. It’s good enough.”

  
  
  
  
  
  


_‘till death do us apart._ And his parents were a victim of their own head. They committed a double suicide and that really messed Wooyoung up. It really solidified the thought of love in his head. 

_It tears people apart. Maybe not who you love, but someone else is bound to be hurt._

  
  
  


“When did they…?”

  
  


“They killed themselves when I was nine. If that isn’t terrifying I don’t know what is.”

  
  


“God I’m- sorry…”

  
  


“I’m glad they’re gone. Who knows what worse could’ve happened if they didn’t kill themselves.”

  
  
  


Wooyoung changes into short sleeves and that’s when San can see everything. As they quietly lay on the bed, San observes the marks covering his whole arm. Wooyoung’s shorts ride up his leg and San can see the marks dawning his thighs. 

“These are from high school.” Wooyoung says, pulling his shorts back more. He could tell San was curious. “Touch them.” and he did, running his fingers gently over the raised scars and the different lengths and shapes of them. 

San’s a bit unsettled from imagining how painful it must’ve been to go that deep, go to such depths to hurt yourself. He couldn’t imagine. 

“It doesn’t make sense. Why a human who’s made to live and survive can suddenly hurt themselves. And want to die.” Wooyoung laughs. San’s eyes widen at the small tin of blades that the other pulls out of his pocket.

Wooyoung chucks the tin at the wall and watches them fall to the ground with noises of stainless steel hitting against each other. And the tin of course, getting dented and destroyed. 

“It’s so stupid. And that’s why I want to do it.”

  
  
  
  


**_sannies_ **

_hi um hyung ?_

  
  


**_joongiez_ **

_woo leaked my number to my fan oh no_

  
  


**_joongiez_ **

_i’m kidding._

  
  


**_sannies_ **

_wooyoung gave me yours and seonghwa um hyung’s number_

  
  


**_sannies_ **

_do you two know that woo does … that to himself_

  
  


**_joongiez_ **

_so he told you about it already. he must really like you san. it took months for him to tell us. i think you should stay by wooyoung for a while_

  
  
  
  
  
  


San drops his phone to his side and his eyes drift back to Wooyoung who silently listens to the music playing in the room on the rusty record player. The percussion is loud and deep, along with the gentle noises of an electric guitar that surrounds them. The vocals are chilling and thoughts rush through San’s head, thoughts he couldn’t even recognize.

“Your music taste suits you.” San says.

“You think? I fucking grew up on this shit. It’s the only thing I looked forward to everyday. Listening to this EP over and over like a dumbass.”

“San don’t you have things to do rather than listening to this album with me.”

“I didn’t lie when I said I had no friends.”

Wooyoung rolls himself over San and lays on top of him. “Well now you do. Don’t forget it.” Wooyoung laughs. San’s arms gently wrap around the other’s waist and they lay there as angsty teenage songs played. Wooyoung holds San’s hands and San feels the bandages rub against his own arm.

This time, it’s Wooyoung who intertwines their fingers and San feels safer than he could ever feel. With someone he met a week ago under fireworks, two lonely souls who drifted to each other by chance.


	2. Lovely Scraps for You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The sun sets fast in winter and even at three in the afternoon, it already feels a bit dark as they walk downhill from the campus, back to the dorms. 
> 
> San doesn’t know if his mind is playing games on him but Wooyoung visibly looks a bit pale. He stops and takes Wooyoung’s left hand between his, lightly sighing. 
> 
> “You’re cold.” San says. 
> 
> “Yeah. It’s just like that all the time.”
> 
> “Wasn’t like that before.”
> 
> San feels Wooyoung’s pulse between his fingers and his heart is beating quickly. Wooyoung is obviously restless, swallowing every two minutes and pacing around a bit. “Think you need to calm down a bit Wooyoung-ah.” The other frowns. 
> 
> His mouth opens to refuse but then they make eye contact and Wooyoung looks down at his feet. “Yeah. I think I do too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW  
> -slight mention of self harm in the beginnings continuing from pervious chapter but no more than that
> 
> song for the chapter:
> 
> \- i wanna be yours - arctic monkeys

San can hear the sound of the bathroom faucet running and his eyes slowly open. The other wasn’t beside him, and he jumped up from the bed. Wooyoung’s standing at the sink, bandages fallen to the ground as he cleans his wounds a bit more under the freezing water. 

  
  


“Need help?” San asks, picking up the bandages from the ground.

  
  


“Nah I think they’re fine.”

  
  


San winces at the sight of his arm, looking away and biting his bottom lip. Wooyoung laughs, grabbing the bandages from San’s hand and chucking it into the trash. “Don’t worry. I think I know how to handle these shots by now. Would y’a think?” Wooyoung smiles.

They sit back down on the bed but now they’re both wide awake, the sounds of wind against the windows. 

“Wanna go for a ride?” Wooyoung asks.

San stares at the wall in front of him before turning around to look at the other. He has the sudden realization of what he said.

“....Now?”

“Yeah. Now.”

“Oh um of course I mean- wait you have a car?”

Wooyoung grins, standing up to slide open a drawer. He twirls his car keys around on his finger and San can spot different knick knacks and keychains that clutter against each other. 

San grabs the abandoned hoodie of his on the ground and pulls it over his head and he’s confused as to why he’s so excited. Wooyoung pulls sweatpants over his shorts and a big puffer jacket is over his torso. 

“I’ve never been on a late night drive.” San confesses.

“I think you mean early morning.”

San glares at him, a huff leaving his throat.

Wooyoung’s keys are tightly held in his hands. He quietly opens the door and slides his beaten up black chucks on, San’s being old skool Vans. The door is locked and they start to run down the stairs towards the student parking lot. The wind was ridiculously freezing, puffs of hot air always in sight. 

Wooyoung repeatedly clicks his keys to unlock his car doors and that’s when San spots his car. They approach it and it’s small and dingy looking but San loves the colors of it.

“Going three years strong. This bitch ain’t never leaving me.” Wooyoung says, hitting the hood of the car with the palm of his hand.

The car’s a color between coral and yellow, with a geometrical shape to the build, giving it a vintage touch. San couldn’t help but smile at how much it fit the other’s image.

“Could tell this guy was yours.” San says, leaning on the trunk. Wooyoung lifts his eyebrows, opening the passenger side door.

“Bad guys first,” he says. 

“Gladly.”

San climbed in and he could smell the air freshener hanging from the front mirror. It seemed like a hanger from the 80s and the fragrance was linen. The driver enters and San could feel the vehicle get pushed down a bit.

Stickers were stuck to every part of the car and keychains were dangling wherever they could be put.

Wooyoung sighs, reversing out of the parking lot and driving onto a small road. “It’s damn empty isn’t it?” and it was. No one was walking on the streets and no cars were to be found in sight.

It takes a few seconds before music starts blasting from the speakers and San was well acquainted with Wooyoung’s taste now.

“Seems like your favorite genre is lonely single teenagers.”

“I’m an adult.”

Their seatbelts were long forgotten as semi jazzy tunes played on the CD player. San pulls open a compartment to see a decent stack of CDs and he’s surprised.

“Gosh. CDs?”

“Yeah?”

“Why not just bluetooth?”

“Hey that’s offensive. We all know physical CDs are superior.” Wooyoung complains, a hand on the wheel, the other supporting his chin. 

“Also does this car look like it supports bluetooth.” Wooyoung deadpans.

San chuckles, rolling down a window and sticking his head out. It’s cold. Damn cold but it’s refreshing almost, the wind on his face with the combination of the music playing. 

Everything’s going past so quickly and San sits back, feeling the beat of the song in his body, a vibration throughout the car. He listens to the soft humming coming from Wooyoung and smiles, humming along. 

  
  
  


“Same taste. You teenager.” Wooyoung mumbles.

  
  
  
  
  
  


It’s a bit weird how quickly time can fly by when you’re enjoying yourself. San slowly comes to the realization that they were by the beach, subtle waves crashing into the sand, pushing and pulling. Wooyoung shifts the car into park and pushes the door open.

San does the same and they take small steps towards the sand, approaching where the water was hitting gently. Wooyoung stares into the water and sighs, dropping into the sand and sitting down. It’s still dark and cold but they couldn’t feel it at the moment. 

The other sits down next to him.

Wooyoung is breathing deeply as he stares and stares, those thoughts in his head again. It felt out of place with San next to him who could see his expression change from a smile to something else.

“San-ah. Let’s share secrets.” Wooyoung says shakily, his own arms wrapped around his knees, hands clasped together tightly, sweaty and cold. 

San sits there and thinks.

“I… photoshopped a fake report card and showed it to my mom cause the real one was too shitty.” he laughs.

Wooyoung smiles an empty smile.

“I think I’m a burden to everyone around me.”

San laughs, looking away but Wooyoung could hear him out of breath, choking back tears but they still flowed freely regardless.

“I’m sorry Wooyoung-ah. I don’t think it’s a secret. You make it obvious. And… I-I wish you didn’t feel that way you know?” San whispers, head hanging low. 

Wooyoung could see drips of tears hit the sand, clumping it up. He could see San’s eyes screwed shut, he could hear the small coughs. It was too much to hide.

“It’s so stupid and annoying.” Wooyoung says weakly, hands over his mouth as his eyes are covered with tears.

“You can tell me how much you want, how much you care, how I’m not a bother but it never means anything in the end cause all I can feel is the heavy weight on my shoulders whenever I’m…not alone. Whenever I’m with someone who  _ cares.  _ I’m such an asshole- I’m self centered and broken but...I don’t want to hurt  _ anyone. _ ”

San’s quiet and it really does hurt. It hurts how Wooyoung dislikes himself, it hurts how he doesn’t think anyone cares. San cares. He cares about anybody as much as the next person. But now,  _ now.  _ Wooyoung needs care more than anyone.

It’s silent between the two and San gently holds Wooyoung’s hand, hugging him tightly while another hands pats his head, combing through his hair soothingly. 

“A burden is what you’re far from Wooyoung. You’re something else. You’re a precious star in the universe. You’re unique, you’re talented, pretty, beautiful, and you’re one of the nicest people I’ve ever met.”

Wooyoung doesn’t say anything but his arms are wrapped around the other tightly.

  
  
  
  
  
  


“That night, you could’ve just left me there. You had no reason to be with me. But you stayed. No one ever stayed with me except you. And I think that’s what I have to do now.”

The waves are crashing harder than before, the sounds surrounding them. 

And they stay there without moving an inch. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


As subtle as it was, Wooyoung felt different when he was with San. More comforted and relaxed rather than tense or bothered. 

It wasn’t dark anymore, the sun on the horizon line and they stared and stared, each other’s hands gently holding each other. 

“You’re a bit mysterious San.”

San bursts out laughing, throwing himself forward. He shakes off the sand and looks back at the other with the crescents in his eyes.

“Why?” he asks.

“I know nothing about you.”

“Wooyoung. We’ve barely even known each other for two weeks.”

Wooyoung tilts his head. “Weird. Seems like I’ve known you for forever.”

San stands up from his spot and pulls Wooyoung up with him. It’s warmer now and the wind’s disappeared already. San offers to drive them back.

Wooyoung tosses his keys to him and jumps in first. He leans to the right and rests his head on the window, peering over at San who gets in after.

“Hope you drive better than me. I almost failed my test twice.”

  
  
  
  
  
  


*

  
  
  
  
  


They almost missed lectures.  _ Almost.  _ But they made it alas, tired and restless. San sits there and stares blankly at the blackboard and Hongjoong stares at him instead.

“You good?” he asks.

“Far from good. Horrible, sad as fuck, hurt, they’re all synonyms.” San scoffs. He sinks into the desk and sighs. “No not doing so hot am I.”

Hongjoong, sits back, his legs crossed in his seat. He pats San’s head, a weak smile on his face.

“Wooyoung. He’s… different from everyone. It’s hard to understand his head and you know. He doesn't necessarily have the most healthy head.”

“It’s not his fault.” San breathes out.

“Hey. No one said it was his fault. It’s far from his fault.”

“Yeah. He’s hurting but how do I- how do I…. help. I want to help him hyung.“

“I know. I know.”

  
  
  
  


There’s no way to help someone who doesn’t want it. But who knows how to make them feel and think otherwise and instead seek for a better life rather than suffering alone. It’s all too hard to figure out for San. How much was too much?

Wooyoung tries to keep his eyes open for the quiz review that the professor speaks upon but he doesn’t hear any of it anyways. He clicks his pen, twiddling with it back and forth but none of it seems to make him feel more awake.

He’s daydreaming again and those random situations keep playing in his head.  _ “Friends, matz!”  _ he thinks.  _ Those two idiots.  _ Seonghwa and Hongjoong had a thing.

The situations slowly become more obscure and weird, one where Wooyoung gets murdered by San in the form of pushing him off a cliff. Another where he gets eaten alive by dozens of pigeons. 

The train of thought is broken when he looks up to see the students getting up to leave and he closes his notebook and stuffs it inside his bag. He looks out the window. 

His mind isn’t wandering anymore but now he’s spaced out instead. He’s staring at nothing as he walks out of the lecture hall. It’s a bit quiet since no one would really consider university the most energetic place in the world. 

San taps his shoulder and Wooyoung looks at him with a slightly dazed expression. “You okay?” Wooyoung stares a bit before nodding, looking back and forth between the boy standing behind him and somewhere into space. “Fine. Just tired. Let’s go. It’s a bit warm inside this place.”

The sun sets fast in winter and even at three in the afternoon, it already feels a bit dark as they walk downhill from the campus, back to the dorms. San doesn’t know if his mind is playing games on him but Wooyoung visibly looks a bit pale. He stops and takes Wooyoung’s left hand between his, lightly sighing. 

“You’re cold.” San says. 

“Yeah. It’s just like that all the time.”

“Wasn’t like that before.”

San feels Wooyoung’s pulse between his fingers and his heart is beating quickly. Wooyoung is obviously restless, swallowing every two minutes and pacing around a bit. “Think you need to calm down a bit Wooyoung-ah.” The other frowns. His mouth opens to refuse but then they make eye contact and Wooyoung looks down at his feet. “Yeah. I think I do too.”

  
  
  
  
  


San would never admit it but he’s a bit afraid of the dark. He glances around as they rest on the bench and it’s already time for the sun to set. Wooyoung lays horizontally on the bench, his legs over San’s and his hands are folded over his stomach, slowly breathing in and out as he stares at the sky.

“I don’t really know why this happens. Anxiety. It’s… just a bit weird you know? My stomach starts hurting and all that shit. Like fuck man, did I really get blessed with every problem?” 

The silence gets broken by a slight gust of wind and Wooyoung phone’s ringtone blasting their ears. He bites down on the cough drop in his mouth and answers. “Hey mom.” Wooyoung says, looking away from San.

“Yeah I know… got it. Love you too mom.”

San notices the change in tone and the sigh from Wooyoung. “What’s wrong?” he asks again.

“Nothin’. My mom said she’d come visit but guess not.”

“Where is she?”

“Canada. She visits… I don’t know. Maybe every three years.”

“Do you miss her?”

“Not really. I wouldn’t say we were close growing up. She’s busy. I get it. I don’t really care so it’s whatever.”

  
  
  
  
  
  


San thinks it’s an extremely common occurrence of him ending up back on Wooyoung’s bed, staring at his ceiling once more. “Can’t believe you don’t have a roommate.” San mumbles.

“You do?” Wooyoung asks, crumpling up a piece of paper into a ball and throwing it into the trash can.

“Duh. Unlucky I am. He’s cute so it’s bearable.”

“Who’s he?”

“His name’s Yunho. He’s clean unlike someone so it works out.”

Wooyoung frowns at the slight hit of him being messy. He rolls his eyes and continues to write down notes. “It’s not that disgusting in here.”

“It’s a mess in a cute way you know? Like… something you’d see on pinterest tagged ‘aesthetic messy room’ type thing.”

“Is that a compliment?”

San pauses and giggles. “Sure.” He picks up his phone and scrolls around for a bit, letting out a whine for Wooyoung to look at him. 

“This Yunho.” San mumbles, showing his phone screen to the other. Wooyoung wheezes and turns around in his chair. “Doesn’t he sell cupcakes to make money for the school?” He’s seen that face around campus a lot, even on posters in the hallways.

San nods, laying back down. “Yeah. It’s cute. And I get free cupcakes so that’s cool.”

Wooyoung’s eyes are half open and San observes his outfit. He’s wearing a plain black t-shirt that has a small print in the front and it looks extremely washed out. Over it is a flannel shirt that’s unbuttoned and oversized, a dark green and black pattern. It’s wrinkled and torn up at places and it feels vintage in a real way.

His black jeans are distressed over his knees and thighs and last but not least, they’re cuffed. “You cuff your jeans Wooyoung?”

The other hums, not paying much mind to the man in his bed. Wooyoung throws his dried up gel pen in the trash and closes his notes, taking off his glasses to stretch.

He runs his fingers gingerly through his hair and yawns, climbing onto the bed with his knees and dropping face down onto it. “So. Fucking. Tired.” he sighs, annunciating every word. He flips himself around and his eyes are almost closed.

“Sleep. You’re gonna pass out anyway.”

“I… won’t. I hate sleeping fuck.”

San grins and hugs him, biting Wooyoung’s shoulder and making him groan, trying to shove him off. San’s on top of him now, arms slung over Wooyoung’s shoulders and his head resting in the crook of his neck. Wooyoung hums quietly again and pets San’s head and it’s almost as if the other is purring. 

“Gosh you’re acting like a kitty-“

San giggles, pushing himself off Wooyoung and using his hands to make little grabby motions, meowing along.

Wooyoung rolls his eyes, and San leans against him again. It doesn’t take long before Wooyoung is sound asleep with San sitting in his lap.

  
  
  


When Wooyoung wakes up, he realizes he fell asleep while sitting upright and his back aches like hell. A yawn leaves his mouth and he looks around for the missing body.

San’s sitting on the ground, the carpet, with scraps of paper surrounding him and he decorating an A4 piece of paper.

Wooyoung drops down onto his chest and leans forward off the edge of his bed, looking over San’s shoulder. “What y’a doing?”

San looks up and shrugs, ripping up pieces of a magazine and glueing them down onto the sheet under. “Scrapbooking? Journaling? I don’t know.”

It looks pretty monochrome except for the rare hints of burgundy and blue in the collages. Wooyoung inspects closer and yelps. “Hey that’s- me?” he says, pointing at a photo, the background cut off and now just him floating in the midst of text and objects. 

“Yeah I stole them from your Instagram. Hope you don’t mind.”

“I don’t even have a printer?”

San grabs his bag and digs around a bit before pulling out a thermal printer, grinning at Wooyoung. 

“Convenient huh?”

“Why're you doing this?”

San applies glue to the back of a black and white picture of a building and presses it down onto the paper with his palm. He smooths it down to get rid of the wrinkles and puts the lid back on the glue stick.

“Do I look like I slept. I couldn’t sleep. So I had to do something to pass…” he looks at the time on his phone. “... three hours.”

_ Fuck? It’s been three hours? _

Wooyoung looks out the window and it’s pitch black. San has one earbud in and he’s cutting photos with small portable scissors. Wooyoung climbs down and grabs the small printer.

“What’s your Instagram?”

“Not telling you.”

“Don’t underestimate me Choi San.”

And Wooyoung is off to searching Instagram for San, using combinations of his name, searching the locations and… boom! Easy mission.

He chooses a picture of a selca of San holding one of the cupcakes Yunho’s baked. It’s a dorky smile with the most generic caption ever.

“ _ Who’s excited for grad?” _

“Oh my fucking god. Can't believe that’s your caption.”

“What?” San pouts. “I don’t see anything wrong with it.”

Wooyoung quickly downloads the app for the printer and prints many photos stolen from San’s Instagram account. He picks out a pretty one and pops his phone case off, sticking it inside. 

“Ain’t that cute?” Wooyoung grins, showing his phone off and San groans, picking up the printer and obtaining another Wooyoung photo, sliding it into his phone case too.

“Equal now.”

Wooyoung subconsciously leans on San’s shoulder, scrolling through his phone and San continues to decorate his page. In the blank areas, he starts writing with a black gel pen stolen off of Wooyoung’s desk.

_ “today was fun. i’ve never gone for an early… well, morning drive. it was so vibey, and I love that fucking car. he uses cds like what the fuckkkk???  _

_ the beach was, idk, it felt weird. it felt scary but safe. safe with him around. i wish he liked himself. i wish he was comfortable with me. he’s so beautiful ya know? i love the little mole under his eyes he’s just so fucking pretty. i loved, love love holding his hands and touching his soft black hair.  _

_ i love wrapping my arms around his waist and his arms around mine. i like being in this presence and i love his smile and his voice. his smile. i want him to smile more. i love the way he dresses and i love the way he leans on me and mumbles little jokes to me and i love watching him laugh.  _

  
  


_ I think I love him.” _

San smiles, scribbling out the last line. No one had to know what it said except him and he’ll remember it forever. Wooyoung picks up the paper and looks at every picture collaged together closely, his eyes sparkling.

“Holy fuck that’s cool.”

“You can’t read the writing right?”

Wooyoung looks at the lines and shakes his head. “Fuck no. It’s so disgusting.” 

San laughs and sets the gel pen down. 

“Yeah that’s the look I guess.”

“Seriously though. I love it.”

San hands the collage to Wooyoung and stands up, bending down to pick up the scraps left.

“Keep it.”

San throws the scraps out into the trash and yawns. “I’m gonna… splash myself with cold water b. r. b.”

Wooyoung shoos him off and waits until he hears the bathroom door lock shut. He turns his head down to look at the paper in his hand.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Holy fuck.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


He could read every word clearly.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiii. ig ive been writing whenever i wanted to project myself onto a character lolll. sorry wooyoung.

**Author's Note:**

> hey lol. this is my second time posting here but i actually deleted the first thing i ever posted. anyways, i quite like this i guess??? it’s alright lol. again, fanfics are fictional. please separate real life from fiction thank you!


End file.
